When my best friend and I were in our 20’s, she dated a married man 30 years her senior. Now married with a child of her own, she still feels shame and regret, for which I always reassure her that it is a part of her past that helped define who she is today.
It also made her see what she really wanted from a relationship after it ended (poorly)… and that led her to the man she eventually married and had a son with.
Quite honestly, it was a hot mess; but, she couldn’t see it at the time. And while I did, who was I to interfere? She was my platonic soulmate and I was going to be there for her no matter what.
Like any new relationship, theirs started off amazing. It was fueled by passion and romantic gestures. I’m talking about poems, flowers, spontaneity and even naughty email exchanges.
And then it started to become real. There were complications… such as his wife and grown kids (one of whom was our age), and a first grandchild on the way.
Despite him saying that he loved her and dreamt of running away together, they started to suddenly see each other less.
Excuses to cancel were the new norm, yet like so many other women in her position, couldn’t see the signs a married man was using you. Sadly, they were everywhere.
Why Would a Married Man Use You?
Most often, a married man would use you to fill a void. Perhaps they are going through a midlife crisis, or feel as if their wife doesn’t appreciate them enough. Maybe they see you as their “what could have been”?
There is also a chance that the married man is simply a narcissist pig. He feels as if he is better than everyone else and deserves better… disregarding anyone else’s feelings. You don’t matter and, therefore, they could care less if you get hurt in the long run.
It is also likely that they truly believe they will never get caught, but even if they did, their spouse would forgive them because he is God’s gift.
At the End of the Day, Does It Matter Why They Are Using You?
The short answer is, “no”. Even if they are a genuinely good person who feels lost, they have no right to drag you into their mess before they figure stuff out. They will never have a successful relationship if they can’t fix themselves first.
Sadly for the women who have fallen for a married man, most having extramarital affairs never leave their wife.
In fact, statistics report that a mere 13% of married men are likely to ditch their wives, while almost 88% of lovers hope married men leave their wives.
If you are involved with a married man, you are subjecting yourself to emotional abuse and turmoil unnecessarily.
The relationship is likely a dead end and you deserve better… like a man who is actually single!
Why Would a Woman Date a Married Man?
There are a variety of reasons why a woman would date a married man. The sugar coated pretext would be that she is not a homewrecker and didn’t know he was married until she had already fallen for him.
And once emotions get involved, it’s much more difficult to detach.
But this isn’t often the case. Some of the more likely reasons include:
Whatever her motives are, the end result won’t change… lives will be ruined and people will get hurt. The sooner the relationship ends, the better. And even then, you’ll spend months or even years, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
13 Obvious Signs a Married Man is Using You
As I said before, a married man is very unlikely to leave his wife… and even if he did, he is even less likely to marry again. It’s the ol’ “been there, done that”.
Think about it. If you got food poisoning from your favorite seafood restaurant, would you ever go back? It’s in our nature to run for the hills or go into hiding once we’ve been burned by another person or experience.
So why is he with you? Why are you with him?
Before you can even think about severing the relationship and moving on, you’ll need to recognize the signs a married man is using you. If you don’t see him for what he really is, you’ll never see what you truly deserve.
1. Only he dictates when you see each other.
When you're dating a married man, this is probably one of the tell tale signs he is manipulating you. Not to say that single men can’t be selfish or controlling, but there is little wiggle room for spontaneity when it comes to married men.
Sure, you may get a phone call at the last minute to meet up, but it’s likely because he has been given an unexpected window of time to get down and dirty.
Perhaps his wife is working late, or he finds himself with a few hours to kill while he is driving his daughter to and from gymnastics.
This, however, is not the case very often. In fact, it’s more likely that he schedules his visits with you on a regular basis, as if you’re just another appointment on his calendar.
You’re nothing more than his Thursday morning tryst. Anything else would be a bonus.
He will rarely, if ever, take you up on a last minute invite over to your place because it would require too much juggling and work on his part. And you’re just not worth the effort.
2. He rarely takes you out in public and PDAs are out of the question.
Do you ever wonder why you never go out to dinner together? Or why you’ve never seen a movie or taken a stroll through the park on a nice day?
Nine times out of ten, the two of you hunker down at your apartment. This is not dating… it is called having an affair. You’re the other woman and he can’t risk getting caught in public.
If he does take you out for a cup of coffee or treat you to lunch, it is at a place that is far away from anyone you know. It will be someplace obscure with a very low chance of running into a familiar face.
On the off chance you should be spotted, PDAs are never on the table. This way, he can blow it off as running into an old friend or a business meeting.
3. He skirts around the topic when it comes to talking about a future together.
You’re in love… or at least you think you are. And when two people are in love, they can’t help but talk about or plan a future together. That’s what dating is all about. Right?
Not for married men who are using you.
Married men won’t plan a future with you, nor will they even discuss it for fear of giving you the wrong idea. They don’t need or want another “wife”.
He is there to keep things casual, while also keeping you just interested enough so that you’ll keep having sex with him. He’s having his cake and eating it too… that’s all this is.
In fact, chances are that he still has sex with his wife and you’re just another way for him to scratch a primal itch.
So if you dare try and bring up a future, he will immediately divert the topic and distract you with emotional or physical gestures.
He may even make plans to see you on a different day (it’s called inciting false hope), but that is the maximum distance he will go when it comes to talking about the future.
4. He won’t open up to you or show any signs of vulnerability.
When you’re together, a married man may talk about how tough his day was or how annoying his boss is, but that is about it. Your conversations are typically one sided and very superficial.
He is not going to tell you about his childhood or how much he despises his mother. He is going to keep things light so that you can get down to business. After all, that is why he’s there… don’t lie to yourself.
Letting you in would give you the impression that you were needed, rather than wanted. You’re nothing more than a perverted hobby to him, and when he becomes bored, he’ll find another.
5. He never introduced you to his friends or any member of the family.
You’ve been seeing each other for months now and you have yet to meet a single friend or member of his family. This should tip you off that something is amiss.
After all, keeping your relationship secret is one of the most obvious signs a married man is using you.
Normally, when two people date and things are going well, you want to introduce each other to the people in your life that matter. But here is the caveat… you two are not actually dating. You’re merely seeing each other, whether you think it’s more than that or not.
To go a step further, when you ask him why you can’t join his friends at happy hour or meet up with him and his sister for lunch… he will likely use a line like, “We don’t get to see each other as much as I’d like and I want to keep you all to myself.”.
The intent here is to keep you hooked with his bait and give you the impression that he’s entirely smitten, when in reality, he’s just making excuses.
6. He showers you with gifts.
The only thing a married man wants more than sex with his mistress is her silence… and he will buy that silence if necessary. Showing you with gifts is the perfect way to keep you loyal and discrete.
Lavish presents aren’t just about cementing your loyalty, but also keeping you interested and feeling like you truly are a priority and important part of his life.
He will likely use lines like, “I thought these pearls would look great on you” or, “The smile on your face means this was money well spent”.
Trust me, he’s good. He may even have a personal shopper who keeps track of what is trending. Money means nothing to keep his illusion of commitment intact… not to mention his marriage.
7. He often cancels plans at the last minute.
You’re wearing your favorite dress and earrings he bought you, getting ready for a romantic candlelight dinner at home, when you get a text saying he has to cancel. And this isn’t the first time.
Whether it was the time he broke plans to meet at some new hole-in-the-wall restaurant in the city, or when he bailed on your overnight getaway at a country B&B, canceling on you at the last minute has happened more times than you’d care to count.
And while he always has an excuse, and promises to make it up to you, it’s starting to get old and take a real toll on your psyche.
It’s making you question whether or not you mean more to him than his family does… and whether or not he’ll ever actually leave the situation.
8. You’ve never been to his place.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why he is always coming over to your place? Or perhaps he’s hung out with you and some friends at one of their apartments? But you’ve never seen where he lives.
After all, if he really loved you, why wouldn’t he have you over when the house is empty? Show you his record collection and which side of the bed he likes to sleep on?
The reason is simple… that would be making you feel as if you were a real part of his everyday life. And this is the furthest thing from his mind. You are his fantasy, his alternate reality. No more, no less.
He doesn’t want to play house with you. He simply wants to fool around and pretend it never happened once he turns back into a pumpkin… which in this case operates under the pretense of the model husband.
9. He doesn’t practice safe sex and asks you to do wild or unconventional things in the bedroom.
Many times, married men having affairs are so conceited and self-centered that they automatically assume their wife and girlfriend are not having sex with anyone else but them.
This translates to them throwing caution out the window when it comes to contraception.
It’s not just about steering clear of diseases for them, but they are also placing the responsibility for not getting pregnant solely in your hands. They assume you’re taking care of things to ensure an “oops” baby doesn’t happen.
But you know what they say when you assume?
Accidental pregnancies have been known to happen when people are having an affair. Heck, sometimes a woman gets pregnant on purpose… thinking this will make him leave his wife. She is sadly mistaken.
You also may have noticed that he asks you to constantly try “weird” things in the bedroom. This is because his wife likely won’t.
If you’re uncomfortable and try to deny him, he may give you a guilt trip… or, worse, bail. While this shouldn’t be the case, you continue to give in to keep him put. This is gaslighting at its finest.
10. Every call is a “booty call”.
If you’re dating a married man, you may have noticed that he rarely calls or texts to say “goodnight” or that he’s thinking about you. Nine times out of ten, he is reaching out with the hopes of hooking up.
That’s right… you are his “booty call”. He isn’t coming over just to have coffee or watch a movie, he is coming over for sex. Plain and simple.
And you can forget about him ever spending the night. After all, he’s got a life to get back to and that would just require way too much effort and maneuvering on his part.
11. He plays the “poor me” card and always complains about his wife.
There are few things more sexy than a vulnerable man seeking comfort in your arms. He is going through a tough time and you alone can make him feel better and worthy of love.
At least that’s what you tell yourself.
One of the most annoying signs a married man is using you is when he plays the “poor me” card and complains incessantly about how much his wife doesn’t appreciate him.
He may even say that she uses him or treats him with disrespect. Trust me, he’ll pull out all the cards to get what he wants from you.
Just don’t try to get him to leave his wife because, chances are, you’ll be the one he leaves when he gets tired of you nagging him. He likes the way things are and will do whatever it takes to keep what you two have separate from his normal day-to-day.
For now, your relationship is the one thing he can control… and does.
12. He doesn’t actually listen to you and redirects the focus onto him.
So you’re sitting together, having a glass of wine, and you’re pouring your heart out over how much you care for him and love your time together. You tell him how you wish you could see him more.
Tears in your eyes, he looks right into them and says, “My neck has been killing me. Would you mind giving me a massage”? And so you do.
How sad.
Without even skipping a beat, you fall into his trap. He’s completely put the brakes on your train of thought by deflecting it onto something trivial and unimportant… without you even realizing it.
He’s successfully made it all about him, proving he will stop at nothing in order to stop the uncomfortable conversation in its tracks.
He isn’t interested in listening to what you have to say, only in keeping the relationship casual and non-committal.
13. He doesn’t only have eyes for you.
There are three types of men likely to have affairs. They are:
If you’re in a relationship with a very charismatic and charming man, and you notice his flirtatious nature and winning smile isn’t reserved just for you, you may be caught in the web of lies that a horney womanizer is spinning.
There is a very good chance that if he’s being reckless with your feelings by openly “hitting on” or gazing at other women right in front of you, then you are not the only one he is getting into bed with.
He’s a fox in a henhouse and will never be satisfied… nor does he have any regard for who he hurts along the way.
When you are in a relationship with a married man you need to entertain the possibility that he doesn’t only have eyes for you. If so, not only are you at greater risk of emotional fallout, but for potential health risks as well.
Final Thoughts on Signs a Married Man is Using You
Since you’ve taken the time to read this article, you must be wondering whether or not your guy is exhibiting any of the signs a married man is using you. And I’m guessing you may have found your answer.
Before you beat yourself up too much, you could try reframing the situation a bit. For starters, you should stop calling him your boyfriend or your guy.
He is not yours. He’s a timeshare partner at best. And like most every timeshare pitch I’ve sat through, it seems like it either won’t pay off or will get boring over time.
Therefore, it could be time to call the relationship (or whatever this is) quits… before you find yourself in too deep to easily get out. You’re not only borrowing a man from another woman, you’re simply borrowing time until it all comes crashing down.
On the off chance you’re happy with the way things are going, you may be suffering from low-self esteem or are simply a glutton for punishment.
You need to recognize his behavior as a red flag and convince yourself that you deserve to find your soulmate. True love isn’t borrowed or conditional.
It should not be hard, even though it may take work at times.
Enough happens on a regular basis to try and damper our relationships, so why would you voluntarily throw a cheating liar into the mix. It makes no sense.
And if you're looking for more articles about relationships, be sure to check out these blog posts:
- 21 Top Songs That Perfectly Describe Gaslighting
- 10 Types of Toxic People to Avoid at All Costs
- How to Respond to a Manipulative Apology: A Simple Guide
