A letter to husband who hurt you can be an effective way to communicate your thoughts and emotions. I find this to be the case, especially when the problem is complex.
Such a letter can do wonders when you can’t seem to find the right words or tone of voice to express yourself verbally.
I’ve lashed out at my husband for behavior that impacted our bond. I recognize how reacting without thinking affected my relationship. If only I had the skills, at the time, to articulate myself through a letter.
When emotions are high, it’s harder to exercise rational reasoning and good judgment. The risk increases of saying something that could cause emotional harm to the other person.
At times like these, writing a letter to your husband can be a healthier alternative.
If you think you may not have the skills to pen your thoughts and feelings in a way that is clear and easily understood, no worries.
I’m here to help by providing sample letters to address the pain. You’ll find different types related to issues or concerns surrounding your S.O.’s wrongdoing.
Letting your feelings out in writing is a way to make him aware of your feelings. If he’s an emotionally mature person, he may show empathy, validate your experience, and work on making you feel safe again.
Why Write a Letter to Husband Who Hurt You?
Marriage can be a safe, secure place to experience love and life with someone you deeply care for.
When healthy, it can be a source of happiness. But let’s face it. Two human beings are involved in this union.
There are going to be misunderstandings between the two of you. One of you will do something that causes emotional pain for the other. In the instant case, it’s your husband.
Even if it was not intentional, his behavior caused a deep emotional wound. Chances are, it triggered a plethora of negative emotions. Sadness, anger, and regret are normal and healthy emotions to feel and nothing to be ashamed of.
When strong emotions threaten to get in the way of your words, a letter to husband who hurt you seems to be the best way to address the crisis. Of course, you can journal to relieve stress and emotional turmoil.
Your husband won’t be aware of your feelings, however, unless he reads your journal. Letter writing also has these other benefits:
- Lets you process your emotions
- Allows you to communicate what caused the pain in a safe space
- Helps avoid confrontation
- Gives your husband a chance to listen and gain more understanding
- Serves to de-escalate the conflict
- Helps you find peace and closure
Believe it or not, “Letter writing can be therapeutic for the writer as well as the recipient,” says Integrative Health Coach, John F.Evans, MAT, MA, Ed.D.
When to Write a Letter to a Husband Who Hurt You?
There are cases when something happens between a couple that makes them too upset to verbally express themselves. A letter can do the talking for you in a more beneficial way if your partner has done the following:
- Lied to you
- Cheated on you
- Said things that caused emotional harm
- Kept important/critical information from you
- Betrayed you in another way or caused a loss of trust
Things to Consider Before You Write
A well-thought-out, sincere, and heartfelt letter tends to have a greater impact on the reader.
Collecting your thoughts and emotions and getting clarity before you begin can help script an impactful note. Here are some things to do and consider before putting pen to paper.
- The purpose of the letter
- What you hope to achieve. E.g., Do you wish to let him know how you feel or also need emotional support?
- What you plan to say. Make a list of important points to make
- What are you feeling? It is important to bring yourself to a place of calm and internal balance. This will help you write earnestly and respectfully.
11 Example Letters to Husband Who Hurt You
Take a look at these sample letters that provide a template of what to say to vent your pain.
These letters are designed to openly speak your truth in a way that helps your partner understand what you’re going through.
They are intended for wives who, despite being hurt or betrayed, want to solve the problem and save the marriage.
You may wish to write a short, simple letter or one that’s more comprehensive. Remember you can pull ideas from one or more of the examples below.
By the time you’re done going through all of them, you should have a better idea of how to write a personalized letter to husband who hurt you.
1. Letter expressing how you feel
Dear [Husband Name],
I know things are tense between us right now. This makes it more difficult for us to sit and talk without feeling defensive. I thought of letting you know we need to talk. I know how the words “we need to talk” can cause anxiety for you.
I decided to write this letter instead to air out my feelings about what happened recently. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
I’m referring to when you said you wished you never married me. Not only that, it was said in front of your friends.
[State how the wrongdoing impacted you using ”I” statements.]
Hearing those words made me wish the ground could open up and swallow me. I’m utterly shocked and embarrassed. I feel disrespected, belittled, angry, sad, betrayed, and not good enough.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together and how.]
I would really like to know why you spoke to me like that and what it means for our marriage moving forward. I’m willing for us to talk about how we can work on expressing ourselves in healthy ways that will make our marriage a loving and safe space.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
2. A letter seeking clarity from your husband
Dear [Husband Name],
I value our marriage so much that, instead of holding onto anger and resentment about what happened, I’ve chosen to express my thoughts. I know our default mode of communication is face-to-face dialogue. I believe this particular situation calls for a letter to let you know how I feel about what’s been happening with our intimacy. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
My love, I’m trying to grasp your refusal to engage with me in the bedroom. I am seeking to find out what’s causing the behavior change.
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
I feel embarrassed, ashamed, and rejected. I find myself asking whether it stemmed from something I’ve said or done. It’s not the first time this has happened. As much as I’m hurt, and you’ve apologized, it’s important for me to know why.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together and how.]
We promised each other to always choose open and honest communication. I hope we can fall back on the promise, so I can be clear about what’s going on in your world. This can help me heal from the pain and brainstorm ways to improve our love life.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
3. Letter telling him you’re unhappy
Dear [Husband Name]
I’m writing this with a heavy heart. I can’t help but feel sad reflecting on how we started to where we are now. I’ve been feeling unhappy in our marriage since the day I found out you had a vasectomy done [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
This is something married couples discuss. I didn’t even get a chance to say how the decision would affect me.
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
I feel betrayed and hurt to the core. I’m unhappy and unsure if I will get over it. You know how much I value sharing a family. The news shatters my hopes of having children. Right now, the future seems hopeless for me, and for us.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together and how.]
You apologized. Unfortunately for me, this isn’t something that can simply be fixed with an apology. As heartbroken as I am currently, I still love you. I would love to hear your thoughts on how we can work this out without breaking up.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
4. Letter informing him of your need for space
Dear [Husband Name],
I married the man of my dreams when I married you. As you may have noticed, our marriage has taken a hard hit after discovering there is another woman. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you].
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
I feel utterly devastated and like a grieving spouse even though no one died. Really and truly something died inside of me the day I found out. I tried to find the words to say how I feel, but I have trouble facing you. I hope you will read all of what I have to say to understand why I need space.
[Provide reassurance that the decision is necessary and helpful.]
I think it will do me and us a great deal of good to take time out in the form of space away. I’m not sure yet exactly where I’m going to go physically. I prefer a place where I’m alone and able to process my feelings on my own.
We can discuss this, and I’m willing to hear you out. In the end, I hope you will understand and respect my request and decision to separate for a while.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
5. Letter to explain your struggle with acceptance
Dear [Husband Name],
I never imagined in a million years that I wouldn’t have the strength to speak to you face-to-face. Here I am, writing this letter, because words fail me verbally. My dear, I keep trying to convince myself that this is a tiny tear in the fabric of our relationship. However, I can’t seem to shake what you did. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
Every time it looks like I’m making progress, my mind goes back to that day. From there, my emotions begin to spiral out of control. I know acceptance is important for us to move on.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together and how.]
You apologized multiple times and I agreed to put this to rest. Unfortunately, I remain deeply torn and need more time. All I ask of you is to offer me a little bit more patience.
Thank you.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
6. Letter telling him you feel taken for granted
Dear [Husband Name],
I’m writing this letter to you with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. I’m still coming to terms with how you overlooked my opinion regarding that major life decision. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
This has left me feeling unappreciated and lacking value as your life partner. Whatever the reason for leaving me out, I remain disappointed and distraught.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together.]
For me to feel safe again in the marriage, I would like you to consider my views and ask for my input on life-changing decisions that affect both of us. I’m prepared for us to talk about how we will approach this together
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
7. Letter asking for openness
Dear [Husband Name],
I’ve said this before, but I can’t emphasize enough how much I’m hurt and struggling with our lack of communication. Babes, I have vivid memories of how we used to talk for hours.
I am not here to judge, but I observe you seem withdrawn. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
I remember how you opened up and shared even things others would judge you for. The level of openness and trust are two of the most attractive traits I saw in you. It drew us close. All that has changed so dramatically.
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
I feel unseen, ignored, and unimportant when I’m brushed off at times when I’m trying to engage you. It’s painful. I feel like I don’t exist to you anymore.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together and how.]
As painful as feeling shut out is for me, I’m not giving up on us. I know we can get through this bump in the road if we reopen communication. I’m here to listen and try and understand why you seem closed off. Please, let’s work together to rebuild this key component of marriage.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
8. Letter to say you lost trust
Dear [Husband Name],
I find myself reminiscing about the time in our lives when trust was the golden thread that held our marriage together. Trust is out the window after finding out our union is plagued by dishonesty. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you]
Love, trust, and respect go together. Love and trust have been compromised for me. Where do we go from here?
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements]
I’m still trying to make sense of the WHY. How could I have missed the clues? But then again, I placed my trust in you wholeheartedly. I love you, but I’m struggling to cope. I can’t say if or when I’ll be able to trust again.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together.]
Betrayal and loss of trust destroy relationships. As much as I’m torn apart, I believe it’s possible to regain my trust. It would help if you could consider taking steps to help me in this area. With time and your commitment to maintaining honesty between us, we can prevent our marriage from falling apart.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
9. Letter seeking emotional support
Dear [Husband Name],
One of the attributes you love about me is my strength, tenacity, and ability to overcome tough challenges. While this may be so, I’m struggling to get past my pain from what has happened. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you].
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
I’m broken. I notice you haven’t asked how I’m coping or how you can help. I feel alone and helpless. Some days I feel like lashing out. That will only make matters worse and drive us further apart.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together.]
I’ve decided to look at the bigger picture. I forgive you. I want our marriage to work. But first, I need a show of empathy, care, and support from you to help me work through the pain.
Thank you.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
10. Letter of forgiveness
Dear [Husband Name]
Let me be the first to admit our marital relationship has declined ever since I found out what transpired. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.] The deterioration of marriage is the result of unforgiveness.
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements.]
I’ve been betrayed in a way that changed how I view you and the future. I want to hold on to the grudge for as long as possible. That only leaves me angry, suspicious, distrustful, and anxious.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together.]
Living in unforgiveness is doing more harm to me and our marriage. Luckily, I believe in the power of forgiveness. To me, it’s the only way to restore our marriage to where it was before the incident.
That being said, I forgive you. I hope we can rediscover the love and happiness we shared as we work on rebuilding trust.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
See How to Write a Forgiveness Letter.
11. Letter asking to go to couple’s therapy
Dear [Husband Name],
I unwillingly admit our marriage has broken down so much that almost every conversation turns into a name-calling session. I lost count of the derogatory names I’m getting called. [Insert the specific thing your husband did to hurt you.]
To me, this has to do with a communication breakdown. Continuing down this path will chip away at what remains of our marriage.
[State how the wrongdoing has impacted you using “I” statements]
Being called a “dumb bitch,” “fat” and “ugly,” has taken a toll on my self-esteem. This is emotional abuse. Many days I feel worthless, depressed, and hopeless. There has to be a healthy way to communicate. Otherwise, I can’t go on.
[Provide reassurance you’re open to solving the problem together.]
As much as I could quit the marriage, a part of me believes a Couples Therapist can help us. I read Couples Therapist help their clients explore healthy communication skills. Would you be willing to consider this option? Please let me know.
Thank you for reading.
Your loving wife,
[Your name]
Quick Tips to Pen a Proper Letter to Husband Who Hurt You
When scripting your letter, it’s important to strike a delicate balance between expressing your pain and being mindful not to cause emotional harm to your partner. Also keep these tips in mind:
- Clearly state what the letter is about in the first paragraph
- Be as neutral and non-judgmental as possible to avoid blaming him or causing him to feel worse than he may be feeling.
- Express why you think it is necessary to send the letter.
- Write from a place of honesty: Be honest with yourself and how you feel.
- Speak to the specific incident.
- Use language that will promote healing instead of causing him pain.
- Remain respectful with your choice of words.
- Outline your needs and expectations.
- Suggest possible solutions.
- Resist setting boundaries (this can be done in a subsequent discussion).
- Avoid giving ultimatums
- Let him know you still love him. If you no longer do, hold the thought for now.
- Provide reassurance that you’re open to follow-up conversations that promote healing.
Final Thoughts on Letters to Husband Who Hurt You
You’ve gotten through what could have been the most difficult part—spilling your feelings on paper. Next is to allow your husband to read the contents. Giving it directly to him may be the most practical method.
If it’s a handwritten letter, you can mail it the old-school way. Otherwise, place it in a spot you know he’ll find it, like on his dresser.
Typewritten letters can be easily sent by email with the click of a button. Hopefully, your husband is willing to read and respond to you in a way that promotes healing.
Do you think all hope is gone? This article explains 13 Heartbreaking Signs Your Marriage is Over.
And if you want more related articles, be sure to check out these blog posts:
- 7 Best Online Marriage Counseling Programs and Websites
- 2-2-2 Rule: A Simple Concept for a Happy Marriage
- Gaslighting Husband: 10 Signs & How to Respond to Him
