Forgiveness is the key to moving on from the past. But if it’s your own mistake, how do you forgive yourself?
Forgiveness can set you free from past pain.
It can help you overcome negative emotions from past misdeeds.
Forgiveness can make you happier.
Never underestimate the power of forgiveness. Both for yourself and for others. Sometimes, it is even more difficult to forgive yourself than others.
This is because your mistakes have haunted you for a while now and are more challenging to forget. They are like the last song you heard that keeps playing in your head, and you can't get rid of it. You need closure, or the trauma will keep reasserting itself.
But here’s the thing: Once we learn to forgive, we also learn to take complete control of our lives again. Forgiving may be challenging and exhausting, but trust me, the result is well worth it.
This article is about why you need to forgive yourself and how to forgive yourself.
But first, let’s talk about why it is sometimes so hard to do this.
Why It’s Hard to Forgive Yourself
Before we start with details on HOW to forgive yourself, let's examine why it can be so difficult to forgive ourselves for past misdeeds.
There are five main reasons why many find forgiveness for their misdeeds a daunting and challenging task.
1. Unwillingness
You are not yet ready to admit what you did.
You can’t believe you’ve done it, so you can’t acknowledge it. Forgiving yourself means accepting your sense of responsibility, which makes your actions real.
It is significant, but it can also be tricky to acknowledge the negativity behind something you may have done wrong and learn to accept it.
2. Guilt
There’s that voice in your head that keeps on repeating the mistakes you’ve made. You can’t get over your misdeeds because that voice, which is your conscience, keeps taunting you.
Whatever you have done is now ingrained in your nervous system. Forgiving yourself will be challenging if you continue to allow your nervous system to tell you to feel guilty.
3. Overthinking
You keep on thinking about what will happen next without even trying to forgive yourself.
It’s your advanced-thinking mind versus your actual feelings, which is a very destructive way of thinking. You think about the things you regret missing out on or couldn’t do and how your life may have turned out if you acted differently.
Doing this causes you to lose yourself in a reality so far removed from your present moment. You stay there and lose hope, feel depressed, and can’t make peace with your current situation.
This never disappears until you let go and learn to live in the moment.
4. Fear
Sometimes, you can’t forgive yourself because you fear losing someone you have wronged. You can’t focus on forgiving yourself if these worries surround you.
It is important to realize that fearing something does not necessarily mean avoiding it. Facing this fear and moving forward with a positive mindset will always result in a positive outcome. You can also learn more about yourself in the process.
5. Cause
Maybe you could admit and acknowledge what you had done, but you are uncertain why you did it—you can’t believe that you did it. You don’t know the root of the bad action.
Because of this, you may be nervous that you will repeat the action.
You may not want to come to terms with what you have done, so you remain angry at yourself as a way of disconnecting from the action. You may tell yourself, “I didn’t do that—some other, horrible version of me did.”
While it can be hard to forgive yourself for many reasons, keeping yourself locked in this place damages you and those around you.
Now that we have overcome the mindsets that might prevent you from forgiving yourself, let's examine some ways you can actually let go and receive that important forgiveness.
16 Strategies to Forgive Yourself for Past Mistakes
1. Take time to process what happened.
Forgiving other people for the mistakes they have made to you is not easy—it takes time.
This is no different than forgiving yourself. You need to learn what forgiveness is and evaluate what happened in the first place to allow yourself to heal.
Ask yourself questions to help you process what happened, such as, “Were my actions avoidable?” and “Did I make the best decision I could at the time with the information I had?”
Hindsight is a beast. It is easy to see your errors and what you might have done differently. But perhaps you did the best you could for the situation and knowledge you had at the time.
2. Classify the mistake you made.
There are different kinds of life mistakes, and one could be why you can’t forgive yourself.
Knowing what kind of mistake you have made lets you internalize your next steps. If you cannot change what has happened and can only learn from your mistake, it is time to forgive yourself.
It is useless to beat yourself up over something you can't change, even if it still affects your life today. Most mistakes you have made are probably worth forgiving yourself for.
3. Accept and admit the offense you have committed.
There is no longer a way to go back and correct what has been done. Time travel is only a thing of movies.
When things happen, we can only accept and admit the wrongdoing and its consequences. You have to take responsibility because a moral norm has been violated.
You are not acknowledging your mistakes to beat yourself up or punish yourself; you are figuring out what you must face.
You must name the offense without glossing over it with generalities like, “I accept that I made a mistake.”
To truly forgive yourself, you must be specific: “I have had a bad attitude that has hurt my family and friends” or “I misjudged a person who could have been a perfect friend.”
Remain focused on the crucial things. Put your vanity aside.
4. Acknowledge your feelings.
When we don’t acknowledge our feelings, we find it hard to manage and release them. This tends to alter our behavior, making us more vulnerable to being hurt again. Before you can move on, you need to acknowledge your emotions so you can process them.
For example, if you feel guilty, recognize that this is common and that feeling this emotion may help motivate you to take corrective action for yourself or others.
Allow yourself to recognize, accept, and feel the emotions that have been triggered. It may also help to write down any actions or situations that trigger these feelings to pinpoint exactly why you are feeling your emotions.
5. Don’t look at yourself as a failure.
It’s okay to feel sorry about the mistakes you have made in the past. However, remember that they don’t define who you are.
They may or may not have been beyond your control, but they can never determine the future. There are many times in life when you may fail at doing something, but that does not make you a failure.
When you internalize self-doubt to the point of believing that you are a failure, your body absorbs it. You probably have a lot on your plate, so it should be no surprise that not everything is perfect.
No one on earth can satisfy everyone. When you see yourself as a failure, you give away your control, making you feel even worse. You are more than your past mistakes.
Accepting responsibility for what you did is important, but one lousy choice should not define who you are.
6. Learn to think of the mistake as an experience to learn from.
Cliché as it may sound, sometimes we need to make mistakes to learn from them. As the saying goes, “Experience is the best teacher.”
Failure can often be seen as an important step to eventual success. Accomplished people can learn from their mistakes, not people who never make a mistake.
You don't have to publicly confess what you have done wrong to learn from it. But if you think about how you contributed to the mistake and what you could have done differently, you will be much more likely to correct yourself and succeed next time.
7. Understand your inner critic.
Your inner critic is that little voice in your head that tells you it’s wrong to forgive yourself. But don’t let it be a distraction. Instead, appreciate what it’s telling you and try to overcome what it’s making you think.
A good way to do this is to start journaling, as it can help you understand your inner critic and develop compassion for yourself. It can also help you identify unhealthy thought patterns preventing you from forgiving yourself.
8. Be clear about your morals and values.
People who often feel the guiltiest are those who act contrary to their morals and values. It is essential to identify these morals and values clearly so you can understand “why” you made the mistake in the first place.
The best thing you can do to start forgiving yourself is to replace your negative thoughts and behaviors with those that align with your morals and values. By doing this, you are telling yourself that you can handle situations exactly how you want to.
9. Embrace self-care and self-compassion.
If the first thing you do when you make a mistake is to criticize yourself, it is time to be more gentle with yourself. This may take some time, but remember you are worthy of forgiveness. It is not fair to judge your former self with the insights and knowledge you have now.
So, what is self-compassion? Being compassionate toward yourself means not letting yourself get by with excuses. It means clearing your mind of negative emotions toward yourself so you can start with a clean slate.
Self-compassion is the ability to be moved by your suffering and feel caring and kindness toward yourself. It is the capacity to have an understanding and nonjudgmental attitude toward your inadequacies and recognize that your experience is one that all humans have. Allow yourself to have a moment of peace and understanding.
Be kind to yourself. Yes, you have done something wrong, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be loved. Develop self-compassion by caring for yourself—emotionally, mentally, and physically.
10. Monitor your progress, and don’t be too hard on yourself.
Forgiving yourself is already difficult, so don’t make it even harder. Once you start embracing self-care, track how you’ve been keeping up. True forgiveness of yourself is a work in progress and will not be completed overnight.
During the forgiveness process, you will go through steps, including accepting the circumstances, deciding to forgive yourself, working toward understanding why you did what you did, and finally discovering your true compassion for yourself. It is okay if you have a setback during this progress, but continue to push through and monitor yourself as you go.
11. Quit ruminating and stop thinking about the mistakes that you made.
Don’t torture yourself. Quit replaying in your head the mistakes of the past.
Overthinking kills—it causes chronic anxieties, severe distress, and mental irrationality. You can do a few things to stop yourself when you are ruminating on past mistakes.
First, ask yourself, “So what?” What is the worst thing that could happen from your mistake that hasn't already happened? Chances are, what's done is done, and nothing will worsen.
Secondly, consider the impact that your mistake still has on other people.
People largely focus on themselves, but if your mistake involved past behavior or something that you think others might be judging you for, the truth is that people have likely moved on and forgotten about it.
12. Don’t look back on the past.
Your focus should be on the present and the future. Everything has already been said and done. The only way to change things is to open up to endless possibilities and new opportunities.
While looking back fondly at your memories isn’t necessarily bad, the past is not where you should focus your time, brainpower, or energy.
You can't change the past, and you're wasting your energy if you worry about the “What ifs” of your yesterdays. If you will use your efforts to think about something, think about the present moment and invest the appropriate amount of time into shaping your future.
13. Seek help from a professional if needed.
If you’ve been trying to practice self-love and self-care for so long now, but you still can’t forgive yourself, maybe it’s time to see a therapist. Professional counselors can help you break the unhealthy patterns that distract you from coping.
Get help from a counselor to help you sort through your past problems. Find someone who can listen to your circumstances and help you understand what happened. Do this immediately to prevent your feelings from damaging your psyche. The sooner you get help, the better.
14. Learn how to start loving yourself again.
Sometimes, we can easily forgive other people because we love them. Why should it be different for yourself? Unfortunately, this can be hard. The greatest struggle in life is the one that requires us to accept and love ourselves, regardless of our imperfections.
Loving yourself requires being completely honest about who you are, how you feel, and what you need.
To stop discrediting yourself for the things you may regret and start giving yourself credit for all of the positive things you have done, you have to accept that not everyone you love will necessarily agree with everything you do, which is okay. There are so many things you can do to start loving yourself again.
15. Make amends and repair the damage.
If you can’t forgive yourself because you have wronged someone, apologize to that person and try to rebuild the broken relationship. Righting your wrongs with others is critical to making things right with yourself. It may take time before that other person finally forgives you, but that’s okay, as making amends still gives you emotional relief.
Show sincerity in asking for forgiveness. Consider some things you can do to improve the lives of those negatively impacted by your actions. If you aren't sure what you can do, you could ask them directly. People whose actions may have hurt may ask for you to make amends, such as promising to do things differently in the future. You should take these requests to heart and be consistent. Often, making amends takes time, so keep at it.
16. Be thankful and learn the art of gratitude.
Feeling resentful toward yourself can be exhausting and shameful. Save yourself from guilt by replacing the ill feelings with gratitude. The art of gratitude has many benefits. And if you still feel bad, you can at least do something good.
Forgiveness and gratitude often work hand-in-hand.
It may be difficult to know which comes first, but it is easier for some to begin with gratitude because it's a more tangible process than forgiveness. It is easier to understand and integrate into your everyday life. Gratitude requires you to be grateful for what comes into your life.
It requires you to be grateful for your life's irritations, frustrations, pain, and disappointment and accept them as they arise. As soon as you can view a situation from a place of gratitude, the chaos will turn into acceptance, leading to forgiveness.
Gratitude is the key to living in joy.
Final Thoughts on Forgiving Yourself for Past Mistakes
Forgiveness takes time—the guilt, acceptance, healing process, self-compassion, and everything else. It’s not something you can get done overnight.
But learning to forgive yourself and others is worth all the pain and hardship. It can free you from everything that hurts and, more importantly, make you happier.
With the reminders and tips we have given above, we hope you can learn to forgive yourself for your past mistakes. Forgiving is not easy—it never is, never was and never will be. However, true happiness and real freedom only come once we learn to forgive ourselves for all the wrong things we have done.
If you want to learn more about this topic, here is a seven-step process for forgiving someone who hurt you and a step-by-step plan for writing a forgiveness letter.
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- How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You: 7 Simple Steps
- 105 Forgiveness Quotes to Help You Let Go of Your Hurt
